For part 2 of my
Surviving Nigeria article (read part 1 here), I asked two friends to help
answer some burning questions I think are relevant to our generation and how we
see things changing. O’Tare Emakpore
is a superhero (yes, he said that), podcaster, producer, communications and
events consultant and Faiz Muhammad
is a development specialist with a research interest in social behaviour and
international development. You can read more of their bios at the end of the
interview.
Naija Life Skills (NLS):
Why do you think so many people come into adulthood unprepared?
Tare:
Shielding. Lots of children are not taught the practical elements of life. They
are not taught how to socialise, interact or manage different people. They are
not taught that there would be disappointments and how to get through them. A
lot of the teaching is if you do A, B, C you would succeed, but that isn’t
always the case. A lot of the time that “A, B, C”, is work hard and do as
you’re told, which we now know is not the key to success or happiness or
crushing it in life.
Faiz:
The answer to this question is far too
complicated to put into a few short sentences. But generally I would say that
it’s because an individual’s “life strategy” is dependent on the kind of
environment /surroundings they are currently in, i.e, a “harsh and
unpredictable” surroundings often lead to faster development. A “secure and
more resource-rich” environment, on the other hand, leads to slower
development. Add to that a burgeoning mental health crisis that is not being
given enough attention, and the concomitant effects of a poor economy, which
leads to a larger degree of, and a longer period of dependence than past
generations, and you have the makings of a society where many have reached
physical maturity, but struggle with anything resembling the main indicator of
adulthood: Personal Responsibility.
NLS:
Are we neglecting our mental health and how can that be addressed when one is
expected to perform on so many other levels in life as an adult?
Tare:
From an African perspective, is “mental health”, rather “mental health issues”
even recognised? We are definitely neglecting it, because our cultures don’t
accept it. They’d probably call it witchcraft. It has to be addressed through
information. The more something is spoken about and discussed and people
educated, the more it is recognised and understood.
Faiz:
I would argue that over the past few
years, there has been an increased awareness of the realities of and an increased
understanding of, mental health. It is still a topic that is heavily
stigmatized. If you suffer from a mental illness, the common conception is that
there’s something wrong with you, as a person, as a human being. Of course this
isn’t the case and every symptom of declining or shifting mental health is
evidence of an illness in of itself. We all go through mental health slumps
from time to time, and just like physical ailments, they need early attention
so they don't get worse. We have to accept that mental health is not
synonymous with psychosis. Knowing this if a person shows changes such as Mood
shifts, Behavioural changes, isolation, Apathy or Hopelessness: seek
professional help, just as one would seek help from a physician for a bad knee
or vision problems. The fact of the matter is that adulthood entails
multitasking and increased pressures. The only important thing to remember is
that one is that life is not a competition. You can set your own pace, your own
goals, your own style. If that means disappointing some people, let them be
disappointed. You can attempt to make amends later. You cannot sacrifice your
wellbeing in service to those things that take away that very wellness.
NLS:
How are our relationships as adults changing, from dating to addressing serious
issues such as rape culture and how is all that different from what we grew up
being taught?
Tare:
I think technology and information has changed a lot. First off, it has made us
more knowledgeable. It has also made us more accountable.
Faiz:
On a general basis, we live in a less
patient yet arguably more tolerant society. This impatience and
unscrupulousness however is a function of the fast paced, information driven,
digital era we live in. Our dopamine levels are not the same as they used to be
in older generations. This has had the dual effect of distancing people on a
physical and intimate level, reducing the authenticity of our individual
relationships. Dating is harder because ppl spend more time apart talking
through screens than they do having honest conversations face to face. We’ve
come to view dating as indicative of one’s social status and for its basic
utility of having a human connection with someone. Ironically we keep that
someone at a distance, especially on an emotional level. Though we are far more
tolerant than previous generations, we are also hampered by residual biases
that have been decades, sometimes centuries in the making. Whether that has to
do with gender relations, family ties, tribal & issues, sex, status etc.
Rape culture is an example of that. It hasn’t changed much, but there is far
more awareness as to its negative effects. I would argue the major difference
between millennial and Gen Z adults and their predecessors, is that the former
are far more willing to question the social, cultural and even religious
paradigms that they grew up with. That action in itself necessitates conflict.
Internal or otherwise. Conflict itself is a precursor to change. I would thus argue that there is noticeable
progress in some regard.
NLS:
What do you think of the increasing move from rural to more urban areas has on
our generation?
Tare:
I don’t know. I have never really spent time in a rural area especially with
people of my age, but I think the easiest change to point out is that there are
more “exposed” young people.
Faiz:
It’s highly problematic. Not only does
it increase resource concentration on the cities, and thereby increase the cost
of living. But it also fundamentally alters the demographics of the rural
areas. The greater the net migration from rural areas, the higher the rate of dependency
in those areas. Inadequate housing and the associated facilities in urban areas
result in millions living in substandard environments. Coupled with the
difficulty associated with finding gainful employment, this simply increases
the rates of truancy, economic inequality and in some cases, crime. Developing
rural areas needs to become a focal point for development specialists. Our
cities cannot sustain everyone. And they cannot be the sole focal points for
economic activity.
NLS:
Do you find that our communal nature has over time sheltered us from growing up
at a much younger age?
Tare:
Definitely.
Faiz:
No. There is nothing inherently wrong
with our communal nature. And I would argue that it is not ideal that children
should ‘grow up’ faster. The problem is one borne of an intersection between
culture and economic reality. Our predecessors were much more communal. They
didn’t grow up any faster than we did. There was simply a more healthy
synthesis between ones financial prospects and one’s cultural beliefs and
expectations. These are today seen as separate entities. And the consequences
are that there is more pressure, and more information, therefore more anxiety,
and worse prospects.
NLS:
Do you think that because so many of us live with our parents longer than is
perhaps usually expected elsewhere, that our generation ends up growing at a
much older age than it should and what are the effects of that?
Tare:
I don’t think so. I think that at the time where children where leaving home
earlier, the world was a different place. Economies were stronger, population
was less. It means there were more job opportunities, there was access to more
money for more people. You could easily afford to move out on your own without
“struggling”. It’s not something that has changed here in Nigeria, even abroad,
you have children living with their parents longer, because it really just
makes more economic sense. I think the result is people not being unduly
pressured by unnecessary things, everyone in their own time makes a decision to
move out.
Faiz:
Again there is nothing inherently
problematic with this situation. The question is what level of personal &
financial autonomy exists with people who live with their parents all the way
into adulthood. What responsibilities do they take on in the homestead. If they
are unemployed, do not contribute and yet are still provided for and their
mistakes handled for them, they won’t mature as individuals. This is even more
of an issue with male children, as young girls are usually conditioned from a
young age to take on more responsibility and adhere to certain structures.
NLS:
How safe do YOU feel as an adult in Nigeria?
Tare:
On a scale of 1-10? 4
Faiz:
Nigeria is not safe. If dem no kidnap
you for South, dem go bomb you for North. I exaggerate of course, but you get
the picture. I don’t feel safe. Not at home, not out in public, not while
travelling, not at work, not in places of worship. You are open to physical,
emotional, verbal, psychological & sexual violence at any time. Anywhere.
Na God dey save us.
NLS:
Speaking of Nigerian traditions, have you ever been pressured when it comes to
marriage and how have you handled it?
Tare:
I’ve been asked, but never pressured. While marriage is important to me, it’s
also important that it is done right and not out of pressure. A lot of the
people around me know that too and so conversations around it are pretty
straightforward. I’m either not currently interested or I’m looking for a
partnership that makes sense or building something at the moment. Also, I’m not
absolutely sure how much of “marriage” as it is seen today is a “Nigerian
culture”. It’s also not necessary, so…
Faiz:
(On my end), several times. Once it was
to keep family ties. My dad asked me to marry my cousin and I dodged him for
weeks. He relented after a while. The second time was a very fraught, very
difficult engagement that ended in a very torrid manner. All because of the
pressures and expectations of tradition, from both sets of parents. I didn’t
handle it. I failed. The marriage ended.
NLS:
Do you think our generation is moving away from some of the traditional customs
our parents and their parents before them held in high esteem and what kind of
effects do you think that has on our future as a society?
Tare:
I think some of the cultures made no sense then, I think even less make sense
now. I think the effect is a more global/uniform culture and would develop more
unity. A lot of the problems we face is because of culture we hold on to which
we really don’t even understand, not to talk of understanding why.
Faiz:
To a certain extent yes. Our generation
has a more egalitarian outlook and is less focused on custom for customs sake.
That being said we are still stymied by it on a general basis. Some of our
traditions survive because they allow for certain actors to maintain authority
over others. Those that benefit from it do not want it changed much because
they have no legitimacy outside of it. I think the culture will eventually end
up being corrupted. It’s not backed up by en educated populace. So it won’t
survive the test of time. Either it’s entirely corrupted, or ignorance
prevails.
NLS:
How well do you think this current generation deals with failure in an
environment like ours that constantly fails us on so many levels?
Tare:
I don’t know. I think we deal as well as we’ve been equipped to.
Faiz:
Considering the environment, (I think
we deal with it) very well actually. Unfortunately it also means a great number
of us are either far too laid back or completely apathetic. It’s a function of
our being failed and of failing to reach our goals continuously, many times not
entirely through faults of our own.
NLS:
Do you find our generation to be realistic about their working chances/opportunities,
like are we eager to work or do you find more people seem eager for a handout
(as claimed by some from the older generation) or an easy-paying job with less
work time?
Tare:
People are looking for work. People are eager for work. People are also looking
for money. People are eager for money. This generation seems worse because we
are following a generation that made “handouts” the culture. It’s as simple as
that!!!
NLS:
Faiz, you’ve worked HR before, what do you think?
Faiz:
We are not prepared. Nigerian graduates
are poorly educated, poorly exposed, and are not ready for the real world. They
do have a sense of entitlement. It’s not their fault. They are pushed forward
by the dreams of their forbears, who hope that their children will be party to
the promise their nation made them when they were just as young. The promise is
yet to be fulfilled. Among those promises is a solid education. We don’t have
it. We are not ready.
NLS:
Finally, what in your opinion, do you think are the three essential survival
skills every adult needs to survive Nigeria?
Tare:
Money, love and the Grace of GOD!
Faiz:
One is learn early not to let loss
overwhelm you. You will lose family, friends and opportunities at different
points. Some will be taken from you, some will leave, some are estranged by
circumstance. But if you let it overwhelm you, you will never survive. Second
is learn a convertible, monetizable skill. In IT, in craftsmenship, in trade,
writing, culinary arts, anything that will help you attain a certain level of
financial autonomy. And third is read. You live in an ignorant nation. You will
be poisoned by it if you let others color your perceptions. Read. The entirety
of human knowledge is within your reach, at your fingertips, you have little
excuse for not making use of it. Read. Your only hope is to differentiate
yourself from the crowd, so that your work is noticed and your skill
acknowledged, that will only happen when your knowledge base is consistently
updated, and your ability to critically assess a situation sharpened to the
point it becomes a tool that only YOU know how to use. Then they have no choice
but to call you, and you specifically. Read. It can teach you, if you let it,
about the entirety of the world. Human perspective, frailty, sincerity,
kindness, empathy, love. All the things society shuns away from. All the things
that are actually worthwhile. READ.
Born and raised in Lagos, O’Tare
First moved to Abuja in 2002 before going to the UK and returning in 2008, but
is forever dreaming of moving to an Island, any Island (just “don't say
Victoria-Island”). He is a Christian by birth, but also by choice, a lover of
Christ and believer in love. Communication is his thing; as well as listening,
learning and talking. He finds it important to understand things, especially
people, religion and culture. He is currently a co-host on the Accidental Discharge Podcast and has a
reality series coming out soon.
Faiz Muhammad is a
versatile specialist, with degrees in both Psychology and International
Business Development. He has consulted for PWC
(Japan) and as a trauma counsellor for The
Refugee Council. He is currently the Development and Management Lead at Network of Incubators and Innovators in Nigeria (NINE).
